Breaking the Co-sleeping Habit

I have to confess. I still sleep with my daughter who is almost three years old. Every night, I lay down in bed with her until she falls asleep. She’ll wake up anywhere between 1 to 5 am and at the sound of her cry, I immediately go to her room and carry her back to my bed and we both fall fast asleep. It’s a bad habit.

I know she can fall asleep on her own. She does it everyday when she naps at school with no problems. One evening, my sister-in-law babysat the kids while we went to a concert. We’d be home late, and I wondered if my daughter would be able to fall asleep without me. We got home close to midnight and I was expecting my daughter to be awake waiting up for me. She was fast asleep in her own bed. She simply said she was tired, went to her room, climbed into her bed and asked for Mommy. Auntie told her that Mommy would come home later and the sooner she fell asleep, the sooner Mommy would be home. She fell for it and laid her head down and went to sleep on her own. Easy peasy. So why is it so hard for me to leave her side?

When I lay down and wait for her to fall asleep, which can sometimes take 20-30 minutes, I inevitably fall asleep too. This messes up the rest of my night. If I do manage to wake myself up, I sneak out of her bed and go about my evening tasks: making their school lunches, doing the dishes, folding laundry, checking email, etc. I usually can’t fall back asleep until after 3 am and then I wake up a few hours later to start the morning. This is not a healthy sleep schedule. Some nights, I stay asleep in my daughter’s bed the whole night, and I wake up the next morning feeling guilty and annoyed that I didn’t accomplish anything the night before.

I found myself feeling stressed about the insurmountable things I had to do. I wondered why can’t I get anything done? Why is the house always a mess? Why are there stacks of unread mail all over? How does everyone else get things done? I realized that I was losing crucial hours every night going to bed with my daughter. I decided right then that this had to stop. When it was time for my daughter to lay down in bed, I told her that she was a big girl now and could sleep on her own. She pleaded with me to stay with her, but I told her that I needed to make her lunch, and distracted her by asking what she wanted for lunch. She thought about it and said, “I want quesadillas.” “OK, then I need to go make quesadillas now.” “OK mommy. You go make quesadillas for my lunch.” I gave her a kiss on the nose, said good night and was out the door. I didn’t give her any time to protest. I think the novelty of it probably contented her. She didn’t fall asleep right away. For the next 30 minutes I heard giggling, singing, and whispering coming from the kids’ room. But I was able to pack their lunches instead of lying in her bed waiting for sleep to overcome her, and me as well.

My daughter has now been falling asleep on her own for the past two weeks. Every night when she lays down in bed, she will say, “Mommy, I want you to stay with me.” I ask her how many minutes she wants me to stay. She usually answers somewhere between 1-5 minutes. I set my phone’s timer and she gets to pick the sound of the alarm (she prefers the duck or robot) and presses the green button to start the countdown. She then holds my phone and watches the time tick away. By the time it gets to zero and the duck quacks, she says, “OK Mommy, you can go.” Kiss on the nose, good night and I’m out the door. And not another peep.

Was it really this easy? What had I been waiting for? I guess I thought she needed me more than she did. It’s nice to have my nights back. What should I do with all this extra time? Maybe go to bed early.

-Catherine Lo